Colonel Obama, you look marvelous in those Gucci sunglasses!

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Took me a while to figure out how to understand the man. I puzzled on it for a couple months, then it all came clear. Barack Obama is a Thirdworldist. And when I learned to shine his light through that prism, I found I can split his colors in a way that never fails me.

The man strives to foist on us as much of the Third World as he can get away with. And when I started picturing a tackily over-decorated colonel in mirrored sunglasses, heading a Latin American junta, the real Barack Obama tuned in with complete clarity.

A Latin American Colonel in Mirrored Sunglasses will want to:

1. Do everything possible to make criminals out of the last leadership, while publicly saying it ain't so. Come as close as possible to hauling the previous government in front show tribunals. When this cannot be done physically, then at least cement them as criminals in the tribunals of our minds. The point being, Third World Colonels in Mirrored Sunglasses must always live in a perpetual state of reminding the people that outlaws populated the last regime. This must be said again and again, so many times, that the public (at least in the Colonel's mind) will thank their lucky stars that finally they have a moral, ethical and spiritual super-being occupying the Office of El Presidente.

2. Work to make the United States just another nation, continually floundering around in search of an identity. One that needs to shut it's mouth and hear from all the poor peoples it has oppressed over the ages. Open mouth only to apologize, the age of speaking is over.

3. Do everything possible to debase the US currency. Equalize everyone by making the cash of the rich worthless, and everybody else's along with it. The more worthless the cash, the more important the Colonel.

4. Make at least 20% of the nation unemployed. The nation must muddle through the muck of stifling, nutty and arbitrary regulations administrated by an army of bureaucrats reporting up to El Presidente.

5. Have a squad of brownshirts working the streets. These thugs, disguised as democratists and get-out-the-voters, are really there to make sure all ground operations go to the Colonel's liking, and that the public understands that the Colonel has lots of boots on the ground.

6. Perpetually gin up a crisis such that right now is the only opportunity there will ever be to act. Whatever the emergency measure, don't sweat the details - you must put aside all doubt and trust the Colonel.

7. Have a state run press that under all circumstances continually drumbeats about how things are getting "better and better." Whole new definitions of "good" and "progress" must be conjured. The main mission of this press is to hypnotize the people into supplanting what they see and experience in their everyday lives with the happy-smiley-truth that the Colonel supplies.

And yes, the Colonel is stylish. He always looks fabulous in those Guccis. You can't afford a pair, but down the street there are some Chinese knock-offs that you may be able to get your hands on for a few Canadian tourist dollars and a couple gasoline ration coupons.